Bittersweet Happenings

In the previous post I have every intention to blog more frequently until life happened and hit me like an avalanche that wont stop rolling.

I lost my grandfather (on my dads side) in March of this year and it was a complete blow to our family. We ALL struggled with his loss tremendously as he was not just a grandparent to us, he was a HUGE part in our upbringing. I mourned his loss everyday trying to make sense of what was happening around me when the rug got completely ripped out from our feet once again .. a month to the day after my grandfather passed.

Cancer. NO ONE EVER wants to hear that word. Peoples knees shudder at the sound of that word and a dark cloud of fear hangs over it, constantly. We learned that my daddy has cancer in his liver and also in a lymph node just outside of his stomach. I have never in my life felt the pain I felt that day he walked in sobbing telling my mom, sister and I that he had cancer. Never have I ever gained such a hate for something in such a short amount of time. You are not supposed to lose your dad at 26. Period.

It is now July 1st and we have gone through one TACE procedure and about 2 weeks of oral chemo. He will be starting radiation and undergoing another TACE procedure in efforts to shrink the tumor on his liver and to kill the cancer cells in his lymph node. I feel like I have taken all this like a champ, as good as I can take it. I am strong for him, hardly letting him see or hear my cry, but just emotional enough so that he knows I care. There is just something about seeing your dad pounds lighter and so exhausted all the time that breaks my heart into a million pieces over and over.

All of my friends have been amazing throughout this entire terrible journey and continue to be wonderful to me but I feel I need another emotional outlet. I will use this blog as a way to write out my feelings, any new updates, etc. I will NOT use CaringBridge because I can not mentally handle writing on that website ... it's so official.

In the midst of all of this, I have to raise my child and I struggle everyday with doing that the way I want to in such a terrible time for our family. I fight back tears everyday knowing that it is likely that my dad will not see him graduate high school or watch him play middle school football. I love him so much and it kills me to not be able to give him 100% when I feel like crawling in the bed and hiding from life. But HE is my reason for pushing on and HE is my dads reason for fighting this thing. So we will continue to move forward and do what we do. Just in a bittersweet kind of way.

I don't know how many people will read this nor do I care. The goal of this is to keep my feelings in check (as much as I can) and to keep those who care updated. For those of you who have gone through similar situations and feel like you have words of encouragement to contribute or anything to lift spirits, just know that WE NEED THAT. Please feel free to email me emgriff1120@yahoo.com with any advice or encouragement.

God Bless.